The Grip of Sin

Billy had just turned twelve and it would be his first time fishing all by himself.  He stood at the edge of the water anxiously digging into his fishing bag to find just the right worm.  The sun was just breaching the tree tops on the opposite side of the river and warming his cheeks as he readied himself for the first day of the new fishing season.  “This one is perfect” he thought as he pulled a plump worm from his pouch.

 The spinner shimmered in the sun as Billy struggled to slip the worm onto the hook.  He was excited because every year on the first day he caught his limit of fish at this spot with this same spinner, only this time he was all on his own.  As Billy finally got the worm onto the hook he dreamed that this would be the day he would catch a trophy fish so he could show his daddy that he had grown into a man.

The excitement of the moment thrilled him as he swiftly inhaled the crisp morning air, drew back the rod, and cast into the churning water. He began to reel in and within seconds a beautiful brook trout had latched onto the hook.  Billy vibrated with adrenaline as he reeled in the first fish of the season.

 The water was unusually low this year and food for the fish had been sparse so it was easy to understand why they would bite to quickly with such a void in their stomach.  It wasn’t long before Billy had caught his limit, and he packed up his worms, fish, and his favorite spinner and headed up the hill to the house.

 On his way back he began to wonder, why do those silly fish never learn that the worm was just a disguise for the hook that would ultimately be their end.  He wondered if he were a fish, would he be dumb enough to fall for a flashy spinner and an oddly rigid worm. Years later he would figure out that, in a way, he was just like those fish.

 As Billy grew up he would return to the water every year on the first day of fishing season with rod and reel in hand.  He would dig out his favorite spinner and the best worm and cast until he reached his limit and then return home to enjoy the spoils of his fishing excursion. 

 It was just after Billy’s 25^th birthday and it was once again the first day of fishing season.  Billy’s father stood by the edge of the water with tears streaming down his face remembering the little boy who once stood there casting a rod without a care in the world.  He remembered all the wonderful times they had shared, and how proud he was of Billy.  He remembered his graduation and how excited he was when he got his acceptance letter to UCLA.  He knelt down by the water and prayed for his little boy, begging God to reach into Billy’s world of drug abuse and pull him free.

 Several years passed before Billy would be free of his addictions.  It was a road wrought with fighting, rehab and relapses, but as he stood in front of his peers and counselors at the rehab facility he remembered all the times by the water and how he thought of those silly fish and gave the following speech.

 “I used to wonder why those fish would never learn that the bait that looked so alluring was to be their downfall, until I fell into the same trap myself.  The enemy never presented me with a barbed hook of sin, instead it was disguised with something flashy, something appealing and something to fill the void I was feeling in my heart.  In the same way that the fish so often fell for my bait, I fell for that of the enemy. Just like the fish, I soon discovered that inside that life was a barbed hook that snagged me and refused to let me go.  Sin, no matter what kind, is always disguised as something appealing and it always has hidden within it a snare, a barbed hook that the enemy intends to use to reel us closer and closer to him until we meet our downfall.  Thank God that I have parents who pray.  Thank God for his mercy and grace, if it were not for him I wouldn’t be standing here today.”

Sin finds its way into our lives because we are looking to fill a void. The enemy knows just how to dress it up so that it will look appealing and delicious, but we have to be careful because inside of each sin is a tiny hook that can not only seize us, but can leave us with scars and wounds as a consequence of taking hold of them.

The Dividing Wall

A young man stood, inspecting himself one last time in front of the mirror, ensuring that everything about his attire was perfect.  He donned a black tuxedo, which he had picked years earlier, and a brilliant orange vest in keeping with the theme of the autumn wedding. As he reached for his boutonniere the realization that his grandparents would not be around to attend this monumental event hit him; he collapsed on the floor and wept.  As he did he remembered the last words his grandmother spoke to him: “I will be so sad looking down on you in hell when I am in heaven”.  Mathieu hadn’t spoken to his grandparents since she shared those words with him.  He had always understood that they didn’t support his relationship with Matt, but he had not yet been able to figure out how such cold words could come from a devout Christian.  More often than not the Church has failed to effectively communicate love to the gay community; whether it be through careless words, off colored jokes, seemingly graceless sermons, silence on the issue altogether or political agendas. It is no wonder that there has been such disconnect between the two communities.

            Stories like Mathieu’s are not uncommon to the gay community. It is amazing how many gay men and women have been hurt by the careless words of Christians who, although intending to communicate an essential Biblical truth, have done so in such a way that cuts the person to their very core.  Careless words take many forms; sometimes, it is an off colored joke that is told within the church that someone struggling with their sexuality happens to hear.  Still other times, as in the story above, it comes from the heart of someone with good intentions, but is delivered in such a way that the truth of love is lost in the pain of rejection.  As Christians, we should choose our words very carefully. The Bible is clear on the power of our words and their consequences: “I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.” (Matt 12:36&37).  Too often careless words flow from the mouths of Christians to the gay community. Although we may not have been involved directly we are all part of one body, the Church. It is for that reason we share in the responsibility for the hurt that the body has inflicted on a community already in need of healing.

            This brings us to another important truth: “The reality of homosexuality isn’t ‘out there’.  It’s here, inside the church, in youth groups across the country.” (Chambers 157).  We need to be careful that the Church is a place that is conducive to healing for those struggling with their sexual identity.  We should be intentional about what is taught from our pulpits so as to not appear without grace.  If we truly have a heart for the lost, and we honestly do want to see people transformed through the love of Christ, we will take the time to educate ourselves on the subject matter in order that we might fully understand the pain that someone goes through when dealing with their sexual identity.

            Although hurt can be inflicted, often unintentionally, by the words that we speak, the words we don’t speak can be much more damaging.  When we avoid the issue of homosexuality within the Church, we are not communicating love to those struggling in this area. Instead we are implicitly stating that either we find this sin so repulsive that we need not even bring it up as a topic of discussion, or worse still we are indirectly stating that we don’t have a stand on the issue of sexuality and same sex attraction.  We should be careful not to be silent as our silence speaks louder than our words.

            There is one place; however, we don’t seem to mind breaking our silence, and that is in mainstream media.  In recent years the Church has been quite vocal about our stand on same sex marriage.  We have fought to maintain the sanctity of marriage and to preserve the right that clergy members have to not perform same sex marriages. We have used the media to communicate our disapproval with same sex marriage and we have communicated our point well.  It is important that we share the truth of the Bible with the world and we see by this example that we have used mainstream media as a stage to present the truth about marriage.  Yet in the middle of this heated debate how much of our media time did we dedicate to talking about salvation?  How much time and effort was spent sharing with the world, specifically to the gay community, a God who is filled with grace, compassion, mercy and healing?  The Church has communicated well our opposition to gay marriage, but it seems rare that we speak out against injustices such as; gay bashing, or verbal abuse of gay students in schools or hurtful jokes aimed at the gay community.   If our God is a God of justice, it begs the question: do we truly communicate God’s message and love to a hurting world?

            Although Mathieu and Matt are not yet married, their story is true.  Thankfully Mathieu has taken a more Christ like attitude and has worked toward forgiving his grandmother.  Yet the words that were spoken by Mathieu’s grandmother almost ten years ago still resonate in his heart and so it is apparent how carefully the Church should guard itself against careless words no matter how they are communicated be it through personal relationships, sermons, public media or silence. We have shared the truth of the Bible but have neglected to communicate the message of God’s love to an entire subculture; a subculture filled with unique gifts and talents that God’s kingdom may very well miss out on if we don’t begin to bridge the gap between the Church and the gay community.  As the church begins on the road to restoring relationships between the two communities, it might serve us well to remember the words once spoken by G.K. Chesterton: “The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.”

Friendship in Turmoil

I wrote this last year....

Often on the heels of an emotional event or epiphany I find solace in writing.  The complex relationship between mind and heart seem to become intertwined and a solitary realization of both mind and heart emerge like a beautiful diamond formed under the great pressures of love, life, logic and pain.  Tonight is such an occasion.  

Recently I have been faced with many tests and trials in one of my closest friendships. God’s word ensures me that I should, “Consider it pure joy…whenever [I] face trials of many kinds, because [I] know that the testing of my faith produces perseverance.” (James 1:2-3)  Yet somehow, in the moment, little comfort comes from knowing that truth, but after assigning my mind to believing it, I am reassured that God’s Word is never failing.

This friendship has been one that has brought me great joy and a lot of laughter and spiritual breakthrough over the past six months.  It has also come at a great cost.  Amid the wondrousness of joy and enlightenment I have discovered that the depths of a friendship can be a breeding ground for hurt, if I let them.  I have, through great emotional exhaustion, started to see that investing my heart deeply into someone can come at a great cost.  So I am left wondering two things.  What should I do now, and is it worth it?

Sometimes friendships form on a shaky foundation.  This was not one of those.  This friendship has been forged in the fire of God and is founded on Christ.  The aim of the friendship, the focus, has always been to see one another grow in their relationship with God and to flourish as men of God.  The Word of God encourages us in our friendships to bear each others’ burdens (Gal 6:2), and to sharpen each other, as iron sharpens iron (Prov. 27:17).  This has been the truest intention of this friendship.  Yes, all intentions have been good, the foundation solid, the forging, refining, sharpening sure footed, but somewhere in the midst of bearing each other’s burdens is a danger that can become consuming.

Upon exposing the deepest and darkest emotional side of one’s self we become vulnerable to someone in a way that is often frightening and confusing.  It can cause a person to feel that they are being judged, that they are becoming dependant, that they are too emotionally involved.  This is where I believe friendships are made or broken.

What do we do when we feel completely exposed, completely open, completely vulnerable?  Do we draw back?  Do we turn tail and run?  Do we begin, once again to build walls around our lives and hearts?  Do we turn to God and God alone, forsaking His Word’s suggestion to not bear our burdens alone?  I tend to do all of these things.

So then, where do we draw the line between co-dependance and brotherly (or sisterly) support?  When we have exposed ourselves to a friend, how do we navigate the path that God intends for our friendship without drawing too much from that other person or them drawing too much from us?  I believe that the answer to this question is the place that friendships begin to really grow and flourish, or where they fizzle and fade out.

As I mentioned earlier I have recently found myself in a tumultuous place in one of my best friendships.  This season has brought about many heated discussions and times of disconnect that, although they can be difficult to navigate, are bringing the friendship to a new place.  What that new place is, I am not entirely sure of.  

As both parties struggle for their footing in trying to traverse a rocky time, they pull in every direction.  As they both enter into new places of discovery in their own lives, they see places where they’ve given too much, or taken too much.  It is here that hurt can become common place.  

It isn’t easy to grow as individuals, it’s even more difficult to grow as individuals while attempting to maintain strong friendships, but I believe it is something that is entirely possible, and that in fact can work symbiotically.  If each of the people involved has enough respect of the other person’s space, time, emotion, intellect and judgement it is entirely possible that those two people can grow in their own lives and bring their friendship in line with what God is doing in each of them.

In my own situation I have discovered that in order to respect my friend’s space, time, emotion, intellect and judgement, I will have to draw back nearly completely from them and allow them to establish all boundaries.  I am owed nothing of this friend and I owe them nothing.  My goal in this is to draw back to a relatively safe place for my own mind and heart.  At the same time to increase the time spent in prayer for this person so as to love them more and more as Christ does.  I am not withdrawing to cut them out, but to allow them to decide when and where to invite me in.  I feel this is the most respectful thing that I can offer.

I find it nearly impossible to love someone less as I draw into a more prayerful approach to their life.  I believe that as I align my heart with God’s for this person I am learning to love them more completely and with less selfish ambition, which is vitally important in God’s word (James 3:16).

So the final question remains: is it worth it?

The past few weeks have brought me to tears more times than I care to admit.  The deep hidden fears of rejection, abandonment, betrayal and judgement have come to the forefront and, in the heights of my emotion, have caused me to feel pain not only from situations within the friendship, but from my entire life.  I have been frustrated, angry, hurt, scared, shocked, confused and near the point of giving up.  I have wanted to rebuild walls of protection, withdraw completely, end the friendship (purely out of self preservation) and hide.  Never have I had such deep conflict in a friendship.  Yet somewhere in the middle of all of this I know that God is working.

If I were to consider the worst case scenario, the worst possible end to this current situation, what would it be?  Well, I suppose the worst end to this would be that a wonderful, God founded friendship would fall by the wayside and that I would lose touch with a person who I respect, admire and care for greatly.  If that were the reality, then how would I feel?

I can honestly say that after looking back at the richness that this friendship has added to my life to this point, no matter what the loss might be in the end that it has been absolutely worth it.  If never again we could call each other friend, this person has added to my faith in a way that will shape who I am for the rest of my life, and so, yes, it is absolutely worth is.

You see, no matter the outcome, when we have cared, loved as Christ loved, given selflessly, received thankfully, and grown Biblically we are never going to find ourselves at a loss regardless of the outcome of the situation itself.

That all having been said, I don’t think that this friendship will dissipate any time soon.  I believe that it has simply come to a new place of understanding and growth, and that a new bud is about to blossom and that the result will be something beautiful.

God's Goodness

I wrote this a couple years ago…..

God’s goodness is one I have struggled with for a long time. Not because I don’t KNOW that God is good, but because sometimes I don’t believe it whole heartedly. It’s hard to believe that we as Christians could live much of our walk of faith out without ever questioning such important things as “Is God Good”, but we do. We navigate into it blindly and that leaves us with doubts and questions. If we don’t KNOW and BELIEVE in God’s goodness, how can we really experience God’s fullness in our lives?

So how do we know AND believe that God is good? It dawned on me, just now as I am writing this that it’s almost impossible to miss God’s goodness. We don’t have to look far, we don’t have to depend on the bible tells us so answers, or hear it from the platform, or share stories to know it. We simply have to open our eyes, our spiritual eyes, and see the blessings God has put in our lives.

Think about living in North America for starters. How can I even question God’s goodness as I sit here typing this on my laptop, in my home, with a bed, running water, heat, air conditioning, lights, food, clothes…and the list goes on? Really though, has God not blessed you? Those are simply the tangible things, the stuff that in the end doesn’t matter. What about other blessings? Has God not given you peace about your salvation? Has God not provided answers to prayers?

We are so quick to jump on the things that God has NOT done, the situations that we are NOT pleased with, and we turn a blind eye to all of God’s goodness in our lives by focusing on the things that are NOT going the way we want. News Flash, Life isn’t perfect, and God isn’t Santa Clause! Chew on that for a minute, I know when I typed it I had to.

I sometimes focus so much on the storms in my life that I fail to see God. I fail to see blessings. Just as Peter focused on the crashing waves, and took his eyes off the Lord, I do the same. I wonder if Peter was thankful for the boat he was in before he was asked to step out in faith? Different angle to that story huh? I wonder if they, instead of being thankful for the boat, were cursing the storm. That’s what I do a lot of times. How good God is to give us the boat, and we turn our eyes to the storm. God gives us friends to talk to when we have troubled times, but instead of saying “Thank you God for giving me these guys to talk to, to pray with, to share with, and praise you for your Goodness” I often say “Why would you allow this to happen?”

The truth is, if I know God, and I know his goodness, I should never ask why He would allow something to happen, because by knowing His goodness I should have faith that allows me to trust that God’s plans are better than my plans. I really struggle with that when I see things in my life that I don’t understand. How God is ever going to take me from where I am now into full time ministry I haven’t a clue. I need to do my part I know, but what a wretched man to use. I don’t get it, and the truth is, I don’t have to, I just have to know God’s goodness, faithfulness and Love and know that God has a plan.

I’m not sure that any of this will make sense to anyone but myself, but I felt to write it down and share it, mainly for feedback. My final note though is that I can’t look at my life, where I am now, and where I was, what I have now and what I had, and question God’s goodness and faithfulness in my life. I am blessed beyond what I deserve, God owes me nothing but gives me so much, and that is God’s goodness. And am I deluded? I know that the realness of God in my life doesn’t allow room for the word delusion. God is good, God is faithful, God is love and I believe it! Or at least I am trying to.

The Power of a Moment

So I was sitting down tonight going through some old pictures and suddenly realized what was meant by the expression “a picture is worth a thousand words”…..

I look back at those pictures and think about how much has changed. How it was, and how it is now, and everything that went in between. To have been in a place where I felt loved, really felt that I had the world in my hands, had it all figured out, and then to fast forward to a place where I know I am loved but don’t feel it, realize that God’s got the world in His hands not me, and figuring out that I really haven’t got much of it figured out at all.

I look back and it’s like looking into a movie, a life that was different all together, even a person that was different all together. I miss some things, I miss knowing there was a person there who loved me. I miss the little things, the comforts of my own home, my pets, the routines. Talking in the morning while getting ready, or on the drive home from work. I miss the excitement I shared while talking about the future, and what things we would do and planning a life.

I think on a lot of things, remembering so much in just that moment looking at that picture. Remembering times well before and after the photo was taken.

My life, as I had built it to that point was, as far as I knew, where I wanted it. It was going in the direction that I thought I wanted to aim towards. Everything seemed to be right in the world and although there were issues, they were handled as a team and therefore felt like they could always be beat. I remember thinking that even if we had to live in a cardboard box under the bridge it would be ok as long as we were together.

A whole life built over years, focused on what was important to me. I aimed for perfection, and financial gain. I prided myself in my accomplishments and in how well I had put my life together for someone of my age. I felt so lucky to have found love along with success. What a combination for someone to enjoy. I reached and tried and grabbed and acquired more possessions, more fun, growing a ‘life’ that I had designed for myself. The ideal was set, the goal in place and every morning I focused my eyes on it and went for it. Every decision made, every thought processed was one step closer to this end goal.

As I look back, looking at myself, I see that I was constantly driven by this goal that kept repositioning itself to a new level. Whether it was a bigger house or newer car, or whatever the case may be, I was focusing on a moving target that I could have never reached, but I was happy with the pursuit. It made me feel like I was constantly chasing something, even though I never really realized that it was not attainable.

Looking back I wonder, was I really happy? I was at the time, as happy as I knew. Happiness is really an individual thing when you think about it. We aren’t all made happy by the same things, and we never can really know that we can be happier until we get there. If happiness is represented on a scale of 1 to 10 and you’ve only ever experienced an 8 that’s as happy as you think there is right?

Then one day it happened, in a moment my world changed, my focus switched, and my goal was fixed.

In an instant I saw that the things I had built for my life were never going to make me happy. That things, possessions, money, cars, houses, success…none of it could do it. I could never reach that moving target, and could never really finish the race I had put myself in.

In that moment I had to decide whether I keep pursuing my moving target or set my eyes on one thing that has and will always be constant, God.

Agree or not, I made my decision, and in a moment decided to focus on God as my ultimate goal. God doesn’t change, He is constant. Pursuing God is pursuing something solid, something that I can reach, that I can attain, daily.

I look back and see the path that brought me to where I am right now, sitting here writing this and I see a lot of things.

I see people who disagree with me, I see people who agree but don’t understand, I see people who support for their own selfish reasons, for their own comfort, and people who bash my for how I’ve decided to live my life. With all that being said, none of it matters because my eyes are set on the goal, and no matter what any of those people may think of me, or of my decisions, God is the only one who will judge me. His approval is what’s important, not that of anyone else.

I am not perfect, and I don’t try to pretend I am. Just because I have decided to live my life for God, to focus on Him, doesn’t mean I have it all figured out, in fact, like I said before, if anything it means I have less figured out than I thought I did.

People say it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but I suggest you try it. I wouldn’t trade that I loved, I wouldn’t trade my life, or any part of it, because it has made me who I am today. That being said I know there are painful times that I would have liked to have avoided.

I am not where I need to be, but I’m not where I used to be either. Life is a journey, God’s goals for me are ones that are fixed, not moving, and God is faithful.

I have lost friends on this journey, but I’ve gained family, and that seems like a good trade to me. Some would say that the friends I lost were obviously never friends at all, but I disagree. I say that because I still love them dearly, they are people who may have only been in my life for a moment, maybe some would call them fair weather friends, but a moment can be a powerful thing and impact our lives.

The family I have gained are people who support me, pray for me, with me even, they are there when I need someone to lift me up, and are there when I need a good kick in the behind. God is good. I am surrounded in fact, by people who love me, who are good to me, and who are genuinely concerned for me, for my life and for my faith.

I lost things, a lot of things, but have gained the security that comes from knowing that they are just things. I used to cling to things as a source of comfort but I discovered that in my darkest moments in life, none of those things could bring me any comfort. I found out that things really are JUST things, but that what is important in life are the things we can’t see and touch, the things we feel in our heart.

I learned that pride really does come before the fall. I have also learned what it means to be blessed, it’s not something we can attach a monetary value to, or something that we can measure with things. Being blessed is having that feeling of assurance that God is God, that He will provide, that he loves me, that he cares about my well being. That is being blessed.

So I look back on the moment that changed it all, that turned my focus, that was a deciding moment in my life, and I realize the power that a moment has.

Sometimes I treat moments in life with less respect than they deserve, but I am coming to realize that a moment has the power to shape who we are, who we become. A moment can take away, and give so much. A moment can turn us from one direction and towards another. A moment can take love, or give it. A moment can make us feel like the world is in our hands, or make us see that we’re in God’s.

I think all these things, and I am suddenly humbled by life. By the sheer incredible thing that we live every day. It’s amazing the power that is in life, in emotion, and in a moment.