Often on the heels of an emotional event or epiphany I find solace in writing. The complex relationship between mind and heart seem to become intertwined and a solitary realization of both mind and heart emerge like a beautiful diamond formed under the great pressures of love, life, logic and pain. Tonight is such an occasion.
Recently I have been faced with many tests and trials in one of my closest friendships. God’s word ensures me that I should, “Consider it pure joy…whenever [I] face trials of many kinds, because [I] know that the testing of my faith produces perseverance.” (James 1:2-3) Yet somehow, in the moment, little comfort comes from knowing that truth, but after assigning my mind to believing it, I am reassured that God’s Word is never failing.
This friendship has been one that has brought me great joy and a lot of laughter and spiritual breakthrough over the past six months. It has also come at a great cost. Amid the wondrousness of joy and enlightenment I have discovered that the depths of a friendship can be a breeding ground for hurt, if I let them. I have, through great emotional exhaustion, started to see that investing my heart deeply into someone can come at a great cost. So I am left wondering two things. What should I do now, and is it worth it?
Sometimes friendships form on a shaky foundation. This was not one of those. This friendship has been forged in the fire of God and is founded on Christ. The aim of the friendship, the focus, has always been to see one another grow in their relationship with God and to flourish as men of God. The Word of God encourages us in our friendships to bear each others’ burdens (Gal 6:2), and to sharpen each other, as iron sharpens iron (Prov. 27:17). This has been the truest intention of this friendship. Yes, all intentions have been good, the foundation solid, the forging, refining, sharpening sure footed, but somewhere in the midst of bearing each other’s burdens is a danger that can become consuming.
Upon exposing the deepest and darkest emotional side of one’s self we become vulnerable to someone in a way that is often frightening and confusing. It can cause a person to feel that they are being judged, that they are becoming dependant, that they are too emotionally involved. This is where I believe friendships are made or broken.
What do we do when we feel completely exposed, completely open, completely vulnerable? Do we draw back? Do we turn tail and run? Do we begin, once again to build walls around our lives and hearts? Do we turn to God and God alone, forsaking His Word’s suggestion to not bear our burdens alone? I tend to do all of these things.
So then, where do we draw the line between co-dependance and brotherly (or sisterly) support? When we have exposed ourselves to a friend, how do we navigate the path that God intends for our friendship without drawing too much from that other person or them drawing too much from us? I believe that the answer to this question is the place that friendships begin to really grow and flourish, or where they fizzle and fade out.
As I mentioned earlier I have recently found myself in a tumultuous place in one of my best friendships. This season has brought about many heated discussions and times of disconnect that, although they can be difficult to navigate, are bringing the friendship to a new place. What that new place is, I am not entirely sure of.
As both parties struggle for their footing in trying to traverse a rocky time, they pull in every direction. As they both enter into new places of discovery in their own lives, they see places where they’ve given too much, or taken too much. It is here that hurt can become common place.
It isn’t easy to grow as individuals, it’s even more difficult to grow as individuals while attempting to maintain strong friendships, but I believe it is something that is entirely possible, and that in fact can work symbiotically. If each of the people involved has enough respect of the other person’s space, time, emotion, intellect and judgement it is entirely possible that those two people can grow in their own lives and bring their friendship in line with what God is doing in each of them.
In my own situation I have discovered that in order to respect my friend’s space, time, emotion, intellect and judgement, I will have to draw back nearly completely from them and allow them to establish all boundaries. I am owed nothing of this friend and I owe them nothing. My goal in this is to draw back to a relatively safe place for my own mind and heart. At the same time to increase the time spent in prayer for this person so as to love them more and more as Christ does. I am not withdrawing to cut them out, but to allow them to decide when and where to invite me in. I feel this is the most respectful thing that I can offer.
I find it nearly impossible to love someone less as I draw into a more prayerful approach to their life. I believe that as I align my heart with God’s for this person I am learning to love them more completely and with less selfish ambition, which is vitally important in God’s word (James 3:16).
So the final question remains: is it worth it?
The past few weeks have brought me to tears more times than I care to admit. The deep hidden fears of rejection, abandonment, betrayal and judgement have come to the forefront and, in the heights of my emotion, have caused me to feel pain not only from situations within the friendship, but from my entire life. I have been frustrated, angry, hurt, scared, shocked, confused and near the point of giving up. I have wanted to rebuild walls of protection, withdraw completely, end the friendship (purely out of self preservation) and hide. Never have I had such deep conflict in a friendship. Yet somewhere in the middle of all of this I know that God is working.
If I were to consider the worst case scenario, the worst possible end to this current situation, what would it be? Well, I suppose the worst end to this would be that a wonderful, God founded friendship would fall by the wayside and that I would lose touch with a person who I respect, admire and care for greatly. If that were the reality, then how would I feel?
I can honestly say that after looking back at the richness that this friendship has added to my life to this point, no matter what the loss might be in the end that it has been absolutely worth it. If never again we could call each other friend, this person has added to my faith in a way that will shape who I am for the rest of my life, and so, yes, it is absolutely worth is.
You see, no matter the outcome, when we have cared, loved as Christ loved, given selflessly, received thankfully, and grown Biblically we are never going to find ourselves at a loss regardless of the outcome of the situation itself.
That all having been said, I don’t think that this friendship will dissipate any time soon. I believe that it has simply come to a new place of understanding and growth, and that a new bud is about to blossom and that the result will be something beautiful.
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